"You're acting so childish right now.". I appreciate the page numbers and, looking at these pages (in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life), Im not entirely sure what youre talking about I see moralistic judgments occasionally spontaneously entering the conversation, then Rosenberg refocusing the conversations to something thats not about moralistic judgment To me, it looks like acknowledgement that people will bring moralistic judgments into conversations, but that we can keep returning to a non-moralistic frame. My sense is that anger seems to involve a belief that someone has made a choice that has had a significant adverse impact on us, and that they could have made a different choice. To do this, you want to swap out your you-centered accusations for statements that emphasize I how you feel when your partner does certain things. being connected to what is important to us, conceptually and energetically; seeing the humanity in one another, and relating to one another with an open heart; increasing flexibility, suggesting the possibility of a variety of concrete ways of addressing what matters to us; thinking and talking about what matters to us in a way that, unlike the use of moralistic language," need not trigger painful associations with a sense of danger of social disapproval or punishment. In an example that I find surprising, Dr. Rosenberg won't say that in his opinion violence is harmful, as this would be a 'moralistic judgment' (p.17). Condition: Good. Most of the energy comes from somewhere else, though the words I read were the stimulus. However, NVC also questions whether the stories that go along with anger are likely to be trustworthy guides to optimal action, whether it's likely to be optimal to continue in a physiological state that is designed for fighting, and whether it's optimal to express ourselves from that state. However, NVC notes some risks in expressing things in this way, and offers guidance as to how one might reduce those risks. First, I want to name the the idea of requiring or not requiring or forbidding, etc., are all antithetical to NVC. I personally advise my students NOT to use the word need when speaking using NVC, to minimize the likelihood of such misunderstandings. Post in topic forums and browse thousands of posts. The only way I can make sense of it is if you are objecting to the wording would you be willing? which is one common way of phrasing a request. Which want might it be helpful to express? There are two ways to criticize someone you can critique their character or their behavior. Global labels also make your partner feel helpless if the problem is rooted in their very identity/personality, changing will seem impossible to them. (You might download a study of how NVC has been demonstrated to increase effectiveness in an organizational setting.) Posted on . Are you seeing something different than this? There are a multiplicity of reasons for this suggestion that have nothing to do with condescension. That is, if your partner is unwilling to meet your needs, create a plan to meet those needs yourself, but dont do so in a way thats specifically designed to punish your partner. In my judgment, hiding what you're doing is a form of deception, and deception is a form of violence." US Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen agreed with Chinese Vice Premier Liu He to enhance communication about macroeconomic and financial issues during a two-and-a-half hour meeting . And if so, could you be more specific about what you would like to have shared, and what it would do for you if that happened? It helps fuel the body with vitamins and minerals, supports maintaining blood sugar levels, and adds crucial nutrition and lifestyle shifts to keep hormonal peace. Products Bestsellers. Real-Voice technology provides speech playback at a high audio quality. In criticizing behavior, youre calling out something specific and temporary something the person can realistically change. You offer some example of how (moralistic) judgments can leak out. Its not about whether or not something is needed for survival, but whether its recognizable to most people as something that tends to support human beings in thriving; its not about conveying a sense of urgency; and saying the word need when using NVC is not required by the model and is often likely to be counter-productive. NVC has an implicit premise that our culture overly encourages us to use strategies that have an adversarial nature, and that we would often be more likely to enjoy what happens if we act from a state of mind informed by empathic insight and compassionwhile still fully honoring what is important to us. Is this a time you could hear me? as an example of Clean Talk. And, in the ways many individuals practice NVC, it doesnt always successfully do that. The composite examples do not, for me, fit together (a) in ways that make sense, and (b) offer examples of what Rosenberg is recommending. Having gone through this process, you now express whats up for you: There isnt anger expressed in this, but only because after the processing, anger is no longer the dominant emotion being felt. Cleantech Communication supports clients in realizing brand value. Its assumed that it makes sense to look for ways to honor everyones needs, so that (to a very real extent) there are no winners and losers everyone gets to win. Maybe fatigue, though thats not as comfortable a word for some to use? But, this is somewhat outside the realm of mainstream NVC teaching. Post your own photos or view from user submitted images. (I find the story you cite on p. 113 in NVC: A Language of Life.) In some groups of NVC practitioners, when any emotional intensity arises, this can lead to a shift in attention to attend to it which may last long enough to subvert the purpose of the meeting. Posted Dec 2022 4:47 TED-Ed 4 things all great listeners know nwcompass~org?subject=Feedback%20on%20your%20NCC%20post%3A%20Response%20to%20a%20comparison%20of%20Clean%20Talk%20and%20NVC, A Comparison of Clean Talk and Nonviolent Communication (NVC), nwcompass.org/bob-wentworth/blog/cleantalk-nvc-response/, Response to a comparison of Clean Talk and NVC. Invisible anti-spam without CAPTCHA, questions, puzzles, counting animals, math and etc. You can check any IP or Email with the Blacklists Database, it allows you to block spammers or other malicious activity. Imagine that you approach a performer after a performance and say, You were great! That may land well, but if the performer was painfully aware of some mistakes, they may dismiss what you say as being uninformed and untrue. I think there are two main strategies for shifting our habit around (moralistic) judgment: The first practice requires setting aside time to do this work, over and over again. Price: US $24.84. In: You also say "Dr. Rosenberg isn't a Jungian, so perhaps he believes that it's possible to stop our inner river of judgments from flowing if we try hard enough.". Would you be willing to let me know, if, now that you possible understand more about NVC, you are still concerned about the things you alluded to above not being shared? 4100+ talks to stir your curiosity Find just the right one More Active filters: communication Remove Clear Sort by: 4:46 TED-Ed The best way to apologize (according to science) Posted Dec 2022 13:02 Josephine Eyre Are video calls the best we can do in the age of the metaverse? However, NVC's needs focus is offers a way to transcend the disadvantages (unnecessary alienation) of moralistic language, and I don't see Clean Talk offering that, even with "second-level wants. You talk about how Clean Talk invites the expression of a "second-level want" that "helps to bring into the open the real reason for the conversation", and say that it "often helps to resolve the conflict more effectively than any other component of the conversation." You may tell your significant other that youre not angry and are willing to talk things through, but if your posture and facial expressions say otherwise, they will assuredly pick up on it. I imagine it as a practical question, that need not have any deeper meaning. Furthermore, part of our work in The Crucible Projectis the encouraging of each person to practice clean talk communication. seeming condescending the tonality one uses can affect how this is received. I have an understanding that moralistic language is part of a larger pattern of trying to control people through punishment and reward in ways that tend to disconnect people from their own beneficial intrinsic motivations and inner wisdom, and that moralistic language tends to increase separation between people when some of those involved are cast as being at risk of being seen as morally wrong. "You'd probably feel better if you got off your fat, lazy ass and . I recommend to my NVC students that they not use the word need when attempting to speak using NVC, to help avoid this pitfall. Some of the feelings words you express concern about point to experiences that point to particular physiological responses which I would feel regretful if it became forbidden to name them. Anger, and the stories we tell ourselves in association with anger, tend to lead to adversarial reactions. You continue, "Anger is a signal that a boundary has been crossed. Functionally, one might think this is equivalent to saying that "violence is bad in some ways." You write "Without expressing judgments, for example, how do I share my most precious beliefs with my children or those I teach or mentor? Informally, NVC practitioners sometimes do this as well, speak judgments, label and owning them as such but this is not a formal part of the model. So, you can upload spammer email or IP spam list. This matches what Clean Talk advocates for, albeit with an extra stage of checking first before offering judgments. GRID Alternatives is a non-profit working across the United States and internationally to build community-powered solutions to advance economic and environmental justice through renewable energy. We have developed fast and simple plugins for the most popular CMS such as WordPress spam protection plugin, Joomla, Drupal and other plugins. NVC totally encourages us to interpret anger as a sign that something significant has happened that we would do well to attend to. Note to self: If one were to invite people to name judgments rather than allowing them to hide in the shadow, this might be the way to do it. The Talk-Through Communicator Window allows direct and line-of-site discussions between persons whom are in opposing areas, making it ideal for gown-rooms, cleanrooms, hospital, laboratories and other similar environments. Note to self: Consider whether I would want to recommend using different forms of certain feeling words, or been more careful about certain words, and whether I would want to suggest owning the interpretive quality of certain feeling words (as Clean Talk does with regard to expressing judgments). Remember when I spent all weekend cleaning the house before your folks arrived and you never even said thank you?, Its always the same damned thing with you. . A punitive ultimatum, on the other hand, would be something like deciding to skip out on a concert you agreed to attend with her, in order to do something with your buddies. All Speakers. Theyll also likely match your defensive stance, and the discussion will get off to a rocky start. Your Clean Talk examples provides a context that can soften this response but one can go further towards communicating in a way that is even less likely to stimulate defensiveness. I don't know enough about the particulars of the principal's situation to know for sure what I choice I would have made in her situation. If it's a spam bot, then CleanTalk blocks this comment or registering. Do you really think thats a good idea?. You write "Clean Talk requires that the speaker state how they would benefit as a way of fully owning what they want. In principle, I generally like this idea. There is no guidance in NVC that says we should not think, or should not discern, assess, make value judgements, try to sense, etc. Especially when it comes to communicating with women, you would be surprised how a cutting tone of voice can make them feel almost physically hurt. The talking wall operates by using a thin durable Mylar diaphragm for sound transfer. Its true that NVC makes it harder to shame someone, if that is one's intention but, Im not sure that shaming produces the effects a parent would really want to produce if they thought about all aspects of their childs situation. I think the section you referenced to come to this conclusion might be better summarized as Dr. To avoid this, strive to deliver whole messages when speaking with your significant other. NVC has some practices, related to connecting to needs that can sometimes release people from these traps. Reuters, Zurich. Some people win, some people lose; and often, if you look closely, everyone loses. Couple Skills by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, and Kim Paleg. You say "in some situations [Rosenberg] seems to suggest that connection is all that matters and that it is better to drop boundaries rather than risk losing connection [He]tells a story about a school principal who comes upon a dejected student while hurrying to join an important meeting for which she is quite late. Be the first to write a review. . Note to self: Consider seeking more understanding around this point, to support assessing whether this is something I feel would add useful clarity. It can easily encourage precisely the sort of good/bad dichotomous thinking NVC means to transform. I suspect that shifting our habits in regard to judgments is likely to be most effective if both practices are used regularly. When I guess the reason behind the no, its essential that we guess a reason that we express something that is perfectly human and understandable and which contains no hint of blame. I'm guessing that, implicitly, you have some criteria about what type of things that we do in our minds rise to a level of importance that not sharing them would be a concern for you. Such zingers aim to point our their flaws and tear down their worth. As an NVC practitioner, I dont try to block judgments from happening and I notice and acknowledge them as they arise, but I also dont dwell on them or believe that they are true. I take them as a signal that something needs attending to, and I look at the situation through the lens of (NVC-style) needs, and attend to the needs in play (mine and others). Id like to share some of what comes up for me, in reading your essay. Too often people resort to a threat as an easy way to resolve things, and will even drop the D word to scare their spouse into compliance. Perhaps something could be lost as well, if one isn't careful. So, while there's a lot in the subjective experience of anger that doesn't seem to be about thought, thought plays a critical role in the phenomenon of anger. User-friendly and easy-to-use communication aid is lightweight and portable. If your partner complies, shell only be doing it to avoid the consequences of your threat, and if she doesnt, the argument is going to escalate and/or keep reoccurring. This is a matter of sensing what is important to us in a judgment, and finding a new, more satisfying way of thinking about the issue which fully honors what is important to us, and which also honors the humanity of everyone involved. But, these can be reduced, over time, with practice. The key to this kind of positive interaction is what the authors of Couple Skills call clean communication. Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, and Kim Paleg (hereafter referred to as MFP) define clean communication as taking responsibility for the impact of what you say. By being more intentional about their communication techniques and leaving out rhetoric that wounds ones partner and creates defensiveness, a couple creates a safe place in which to honestly and respectfully work through their differences. But, Im confident there was never any desire to have a sense of urgency or Ill die if I dont have this or you have to do this because its a need be associated with what was being talked about. But, over time, we build up trust that there are alternatives to moralistic judgments, and we more naturally are able to go straight to a new way of relating to things. And, when in doubt, we can offer something to defuse this risk. Other NVC practitioners have had enough experiences like this that they didn't enjoy, that they have gotten to a point where they overcompensate in the other direction, and avoid using their connection skills in settings where people are trying to get things done. The whole system is about supporting people in making more life-serving choices that fit the circumstances. I notice that tired doesnt have clear non -ed alternatives there is exhausted but that has an -ed, and sleepy doesnt mean the same thing. Use tab to navigate through the menu items. The best for a personal blog or small or medium size business website. I haven't often seen people getting into this sort of trouble. I read through a bunch of relationship advice books recently looking for some good bits that might be helpful to pass along to readers. Well, it's one way of detecting inaccuracies. Youre sorry about spending too much on the couch, just like you were sorry for going over budget on the kitchen remodel, and sorry for spending so much on the dress for our wedding, Youre so irrational, just like your mom., None of my exes were ever as clingy as you are., Why cant you be more fun like Dereks girlfriend is?, If youre going to act like that, then Im not going with you to your parents house this weekend., If you cant get your act together, then maybe we should get a divorce., If you dont want to be more adventurous in bed, I can find plenty of other women who are willing to be., I feel disrespected when you make jokes at my expense when were out with your friends., I feel jealous when I see you texting your ex., I feel hurt when you ignore me when I come home from work., Why didnt you take out the trash last night?, Is there a reason all the dishes have been left in the sink?. 1. I seldom use this sort of labeling anymore, and I think this is true of many NVC trainers. NVC isnt a narrow tool that is just about communication; in some way, its more like developing a meditation practice. The physiological response suggests that on some level we've made a judgment that fighting might be an appropriate response. I suspect it was a habit unique to the person you were listening to. Any model is likely to need to adopt particular definitions for the words it uses. "Used book that is in clean, average condition without any missing pages. These are portrayed as objective standards divorced from subjective experience, and are deeply associated with extrinsic reward and punishment, social approval and disapproval. But when you lead with that blame, the instigator will instantly erect walls of defensiveness that will make working through the issue together impossible. You express a concern that, "NVC loses a precious opportunity here, particularly for parents, mentors, teachers, and others who wish to acknowledge work well done or to offer blessing or support. Im not sure what you think NVC is advocating for that that would prevent this from happening? . (This seems somewhat similar to Clear Talks position that people would do well to own what you want for you.). However, anger would typically be a fast, transient emotion, if it weren't for periodic injections of thought that re-stimulate our anger. NVC cautions that it's essential to empowerment and personal freedom to recognize that emotions don't only reflect what happens outside us, but also reflect the stories we have made up about what we've observed, associations we have with unhealed pain from the past, and our assessments of how what is happening is likely to meet or not meet our needs. You offer "There's something I'd like to talk to you about. 26. These are innovators focused on disruptive clean technologies who know a strong brand is the pathway to a high valuation. That said, I would typically advise students to be selective about where they use the verbal forms of NVC, but to practice the mental part seeing situations through a different lens much more often, i.e., whenever issues of values and conflict arise. Need is also the component that is most easily misunderstood. I view learning how to communicate in more satisfying ways as an ongoing exploration, and Im continually trying to identify gaps in what I share with others about this topic, and in my own understanding. What judgment (of the 5 that are lurking in the background) is it important to name? You also say, "the practice of paraphrasing' seems to be based on an assumption that the other person isn't capable of expressing feelings for themselves, and is therefore somewhat condescending. Its not about assuming the other cant express feelings for themselves. clean talk communication. As you discuss whats bothering you, describe your emotions as specifically as possible. So too, our identities are very much based on comparing ourselves to our peers, and to have the person we love say we dont stack up to them cuts at our sense of worth. Cleantech Communication dedicates 1% of its earnings to kindred organizations also creating new options for women and the world. There is a way in which I agree with you, in thinking that NVC misses some opportunities for supporting people in relating to and talking about interpretations more explicitly and skillfully. CleanTalk is a SaaS spam protection service for Web sites. And, if what I did was wrong means, knowing what I know now, I wish I had made a different choice I feel sad and long for the wisdom to make different choices going forward then I wouldnt regard that as moralistic and would be happy to have it be expressed. FAQs . Regrettably, I imagine that many NVC practitioners do, some of the time, simply push away or suppress their moralistic judgments in ways that lead them to ultimately leak out in harmful ways. For the record, I think that one can in NVC express anger as one would any other emotion (and doing so might sound fairly similar to your Clean Talk examples). Loving relationships are the most important factor in a mans happiness, success, and ability to live a fully flourishing life. Introduction Why Use Role Play Own Judgement Own Feelings Own Wants - Our Redo Own Data Word Coaching Introduction Judgements Feelings Wants Data Shadows of Clean Talk and Word Coaching Get Consent The End (I notice that sometimes an anger-related emotion might get toned down in the way it is named, e.g., someone feeling furious might say theyre angry and someone feeling angry might say theyre feeling irritated (or irritation?) You say, "It's my belief that anger and other emotions are signals to let us know what's happening around us." Dr. Rosenberg had a habit of sometimes saying things that were shockingly extreme, I think as a way of trying to jar people out of well-established mental ruts. The Illinois Clean Jobs Coalition says buildings that burn natural gas account for about two-thirds of harmful carbon emissions in Chicago. ' While talking about your history together may be useful when youre both calm, MFP recommend sticking to the present when things are heated, as anger turns references to the past into a club rather than a source of enlightenment.. It seems like youve been busier, and I dont know if thats just because your classes are hard this semester or you just havent been as interested in hanging out [Thoughts]. To some extend this can and does work and sometimes it doesnt.
Identify The Legal Responsibilities In Relation To Waste Management, Articles C